A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit....
Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you."
Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette.
Man: "Oh thank you so much!"
Girl: "So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It's been ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.
Man: "Oh... thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"
Girl: [Starting to unzip the front of her wet suit.] "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?"
Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too?!"
Friday, May 28, 2010
Friday, November 20, 2009
Self proclaimed demystifying tips on women?y can't v ask Mel Gibson
Can't we just be friends?......There is no way in hell I am going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine again.
I just need some space......without you in it.
Do I look fat in this dress?......We haven't had a fight in a while.
No, pizza's fine......Cheap bastard!
I just don't want a boyfriend right now......I just don't want YOU as a boyfriend right now.
I don't know; what do you want to do?......I can't believe that you have nothing planned.
Come here......My puppy does this too.
I like you, but......I don't like you.
You never listen......You never listen.
We're moving too quickly......I am not going to sleep with you until I find out if the guy at the gym has a girlfriend.
I'll be ready in a minute......I AM ready, but I am going to make you wait because I know you will.
Oh, no, I will pay for myself......I am just being nice; there is no way I am going Dutch.
Oh YES!!! Right there......Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.
I'm just going out with the girls......We are gonna get smashed and make fun of you and your friends.
There's no one else......I am doing your brother.
Size doesn't matter......unless I want an orgasm.
I just need some space......without you in it.
Do I look fat in this dress?......We haven't had a fight in a while.
No, pizza's fine......Cheap bastard!
I just don't want a boyfriend right now......I just don't want YOU as a boyfriend right now.
I don't know; what do you want to do?......I can't believe that you have nothing planned.
Come here......My puppy does this too.
I like you, but......I don't like you.
You never listen......You never listen.
We're moving too quickly......I am not going to sleep with you until I find out if the guy at the gym has a girlfriend.
I'll be ready in a minute......I AM ready, but I am going to make you wait because I know you will.
Oh, no, I will pay for myself......I am just being nice; there is no way I am going Dutch.
Oh YES!!! Right there......Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.
I'm just going out with the girls......We are gonna get smashed and make fun of you and your friends.
There's no one else......I am doing your brother.
Size doesn't matter......unless I want an orgasm.
Straight to gay for not having a dog according to Deductive Reasoning
Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving."
New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly."
Neighbor 1: "So what is it you do for a living?"
New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning."
Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
New Neighbor: "Let me give you and example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."
Neighbor 1: "That is right."
New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family."
Neighbor 1: "Right again."
New Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife."
Neighbor 1: "Correct."
New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual."
Neighbor 1: "Yup"
New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning."
Neighbor 1: "Cool."
Later that same day:
Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door."
Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice guy?"
Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job."
Neighbor 2: "Oh, yeah what does he do?"
Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University."
Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
Neighbor 2: "No."
Neighbor 1: "Fag."
New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly."
Neighbor 1: "So what is it you do for a living?"
New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning."
Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
New Neighbor: "Let me give you and example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."
Neighbor 1: "That is right."
New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family."
Neighbor 1: "Right again."
New Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife."
Neighbor 1: "Correct."
New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual."
Neighbor 1: "Yup"
New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning."
Neighbor 1: "Cool."
Later that same day:
Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door."
Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice guy?"
Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job."
Neighbor 2: "Oh, yeah what does he do?"
Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University."
Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
Neighbor 2: "No."
Neighbor 1: "Fag."
Friday, October 30, 2009
Waiting for the falling star
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant -- about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you,?"
Daughter says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it this time!"
The mother says, "It's my daughter. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant -- about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you,?"
Daughter says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it this time!"
Monday, September 7, 2009
& weirdly urban reasons y god would create eve & from a feminist point of view i think
10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!
And the number 1 reason why God created Eve…
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that!"
9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!
And the number 1 reason why God created Eve…
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that!"
Monday, July 20, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Prison..Office..Office..Prison
In prison: You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
At work: You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
In prison: You get three meals a day.
At work: You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
In prison: You get time off for good behavior.
At work: You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
In prison: A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work: You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison: You can watch TV and play games.
At work: You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison: You get your own toilet.
At work: You have to share.
In prison: They allow your family and friends to visit.
At work: You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
In prison: All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
At work: You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.
In prison: You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
At work: You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
In prison: There are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work: They are called supervisors.
In prison: You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
At work: You get fired if you get caught.
At work: You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
In prison: You get three meals a day.
At work: You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
In prison: You get time off for good behavior.
At work: You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
In prison: A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work: You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison: You can watch TV and play games.
At work: You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison: You get your own toilet.
At work: You have to share.
In prison: They allow your family and friends to visit.
At work: You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
In prison: All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
At work: You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.
In prison: You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
At work: You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
In prison: There are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work: They are called supervisors.
In prison: You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
At work: You get fired if you get caught.
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